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Every Powerful George Carlin Quote Ever Recorded

Updated on February 12, 2021 by
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George Carlin (full name George Denis Patrick Carlin May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was one of the most influencial American standup comedians, actors, and authors. He was nicknamed the dean of counterculture comedians due to his dark comedy based on topics that other comedians were too afraid to touch like politics, psychology, and religion.

People love controversy and George Carlin was not scared to speak his mind. Here are 70+ powerful George Carlin quotes.

Best George Carlin quotes

“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.” – George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.” – George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.” – George Carlin

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.” – George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

“When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.” – George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin

“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.” – George Carlin

“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.” – George Carlin

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin

“Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin

“We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.” – George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.” – George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” – George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin

“Think off-center.” – George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” – George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.” – George Carlin

“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.” – George Carlin

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.” – George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.” – George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” – George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” – George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fu&&ed.” – George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.” – George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.” – George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” – George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

What's your favorite George Carlin quote?

George Carlin brought wisdom and humor to controversial topics. He was a straight shooter and people loved that about him. As a result, his quotes are full of humor, dark truth, and hard life wisdom. Which one is your favorite George Carlin quote?